One-armed Freddy's internet website

Full of magic, fun and swearing

Regular Features

Many years ago I used to read words written by a man called Log into a website called Disappointment. It was funny and I liked it. You should read it, you’ll like it too, unless you’re a dick. You’re not a dick are you?

I recently discovered that Log is on the Twitter. I followed him to see what funny things he might have to say and discovered that he and some other gentlemen record a podcast called Regular Features.

It is one of the funniest things I have ever heard with my ears. I came into it around episode 34 then worked my way backwards through the rest. It took a couple of weeks during which time I laughed out loud in Tesco, on the train and at work, and was looked at as if I were a sex offender.

I liked it so much that I left a 5 star review on the iTunes. This is what I wrote:

I was listening to this podcast in the bath and it was funny and made my willy go all big, but my mother saw and said “argh! Dirty boy!” and swung at it with the long handled scrubbing brush, but she missed and hit my left nut and it bloody hurt, then she refused to finish bathing me and I had to do it myself and I didn’t wash properly in the downstairs department and got an horrific fungal infection around my C & Bs.

When I went to the Doctor I recounted this tale and he said “rubbish, no podcast could be that funny” so I played it to him and he laughed and both of our willies went all big, but the surgery was having an inspection that day and the man from the Ministry of Health saw us standing there giggling with our giant bonk-ons and wrote an unfavourable report and Doctor Piddleton got struck off and committed suicide by smothering himself under a bouncy castle at the Church fete.

It was on the local news, they didn’t mention Regular Features by name though. Shame really, it would have been good publicity.

The “Steve” character is my favourite. Then the Welsh.

Ketchup perverts

I like the Twitter. It’s brilliant. It took me a long time to “get” it, but I’m glad I finally did.

Last night I had a breakdown and shouted at people about how ketchup belongs in the cupboard and anyone putting it in the fridge is a pervert. Lots of people humoured me and joined in, and it kept me amused all evening.

I have collated all the Tweets, mainly because I think Storify is brilliant and wanted to use it again. I have learned my lesson and will not attempt to embed it – instead, here’s a link.

Link!

If you don’t already follow me on the Twitter, please do so here. We’ll be best friends.

Tunadrugs – the Heist

Today my hetero life partner Bobaloba and I done lots of Tweets about how I stole a Securicor van. It is the fifth funniest thing on the entire interwebs and I put all of the Tweets together in a Storify thing. (Storify, incidentally, is well good and I intend to use it again.)

In the inevitable film adaptation we foresee Vin Diesel and The Rock playing me and Bobaloba respectively. The Polish gangsters will be played by Shawn and Marlon Wayans and DJ Qualls and the Polish gang leader by Liam Neeson. Any studio executives reading this can contact me on the Twitter.

If it works, I have embedded the Storify thing here:

No, that doesn’t seem to have worked at all. Just use this link. Stupid interwebs.

Brilliant Internet people

Hello, me again.

I have recently become aware of some people on the Internet who I think are excellent. The first is a man called James Ward. I don’t know who he is. He may be a comedian or a writer or he may work in Waterstones. It doesn’t matter. He is my new favourite.

He is on the Twitter which is where I first encountered him having a conversation with radio presenter Geoff Lloyd. It was an excellent conversation about how Geoff had died. I liked the cut of this man’s gib, so I followed him and in doing so, navigated to his blog.

http://iamjamesward.wordpress.com/

It is wonderful. It is all about boring things and, quite often, posters he has seen. I thoroughly recommend reading all of it – I’m now back to November 2010. The thought process and over-analytical approach to the mundane is very similar to how my mind works, except that Mr James Ward writes down his thought process for idiots like me to read.

I told him that I liked it on the Twitter. I’m not just saying this, have evidence:

As I am incapable of original thought, I daresay I shall be drawing inspiration from his blog whilst hopefully stopping slightly short of copying his style outright.

Anyway, I don’t really have any more to say about James Ward, just go and follow him on the Twitter and read his blog.

The next thing I found which is wonderful was actually via James Ward. I know, I’m like a fucking stalker or something.

http://sneezecount.joyfeed.com/

This is a blog by a man called Peter Fletcher, in which he logs all of his sneezes. Highlights include:

two thousand, eight hundred and thirty-eight

15th January 2012 1:14 pm

Car, outside house

Moderate

“They’ve had four bizarre wins…”

and

two thousand, four hundred and twenty-eight

26th March 2011 11:42 am

Dining room

Strong

Trying to draw a graph (ellipse) in Mathcad

and

three hundred and thirty

8th January 2008 8:25 pm

Office / spare bedroom

Moderate to strong

Checking bank balances

This is a level of obsession which one can only admire. One day I hope to start a project of this calibre. I have given genuine consideration to starting a Flickr photoblog of my poos. The Cons currently outweigh the Pros: 

Pros Cons
It would amuse and occupy me I would need a Flickr Pro account to upload more than 200 photos
It is fucking disgusting

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say about Sneezecount as well. Bye.

Words of an Idiot

I work with an idiot. He is quite bigoted but due to his complete lack of self-awareness, some of the things he comes out with can be quite funny.

Follow @wordsofanidiot on the Twitter. Highlights:

Do you ever have one leg of your shorts shrink after a few washes? The left leg on 3 pairs of mine has.

Indian women can look quite nice when they want to

I can deal with a bit of pubic hair but some people have fucking retarded amounts. It’s not on.

Here’s your tea. I personally think tea tastes like damp flannels.