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My Amazing Socks

A couple of years ago I bought the best socks I have ever seen. They came from M&S and have different coloured stripes on the soles but, crucially, the rest of the sock is plain black. Here’s a picture of them in action:

How good is that!? I could be in a high-powered business meeting with Lord Sir Alan Sugar, dressed up to the nines in a suit & tie with these bad boys on and nobody would have any idea! Business outside the shoe, party inside!

I have four more pairs with the following colour combinations:

  • Yellow & Blue (my favourites)
  • Pink & Red
  • Green & Orange
  • Purple & Pink

Sadly, after a couple of years’ wear, they lost their original softness and although they hadn’t gone into holes, my wife said it was time to buy new ones.

‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘I’ll go into M&S and buy exactly the same socks again.’ After all, why would I ever want to go back to boring socks.

To my horror, I could not find them. They had these:

But after seeing my own socks, these ones with their muted colours and narrow stripes were a slap in the bollocks. Even the claims of ‘Silver Technology’ fell on deaf ears. (What the fuck is that anyway? Sounds like marketing bullshit to me. How on Earth would a pair of socks benefit from Silver?)

‘Where are the vibrant colours and thick, confident strips!?’ I wailed.

Turns out they stopped selling them. Initially I was pleased, because my own socks would now become collectors’ items. But that was quickly quashed when I realised that I had stripped them of any value they would have had by wearing them and destroying the original softness. All those people who sealed them in an airtight container must be laughing at me.

In the end I settled for these:

The colours are good, but having only the heel & toes decorated ruins all the fun. M&S took the best product they’ve ever created and pissed all over it. No wonder they’re going down the pan.


While researching this post, I came across these abominations:

What. The. Cotton. Fuck. Even the pose is offensive.

Anybody caught wearing these should be placed on the sex offenders register and put under 24 hour surveillance. Fucking perverts.

Ketchup perverts

I like the Twitter. It’s brilliant. It took me a long time to “get” it, but I’m glad I finally did.

Last night I had a breakdown and shouted at people about how ketchup belongs in the cupboard and anyone putting it in the fridge is a pervert. Lots of people humoured me and joined in, and it kept me amused all evening.

I have collated all the Tweets, mainly because I think Storify is brilliant and wanted to use it again. I have learned my lesson and will not attempt to embed it – instead, here’s a link.


If you don’t already follow me on the Twitter, please do so here. We’ll be best friends.