One-armed Freddy's internet website

Full of magic, fun and swearing

Trolling Yahoo News

I have decided that posting trolling comments on Yahoo News is a good use of my time and considerable resources. I will screenshot them and post them on my Tumblr from time to time, which will make it feel loved and purposeful for the first time since I set it up.

I will use my semi-literate alter ego Jumpboy789.

Here are my first forays into this noble art form:

Kate Middleton Pregnant? OMG WTF LOL!

14-02-21 - Kate Middleton Pregnant

Disabled tenants lose tax challenge or summat

14-02-21 - Disabled tenants lose bedroom tax legal challenge

Regular Features

Many years ago I used to read words written by a man called Log into a website called Disappointment. It was funny and I liked it. You should read it, you’ll like it too, unless you’re a dick. You’re not a dick are you?

I recently discovered that Log is on the Twitter. I followed him to see what funny things he might have to say and discovered that he and some other gentlemen record a podcast called Regular Features.

It is one of the funniest things I have ever heard with my ears. I came into it around episode 34 then worked my way backwards through the rest. It took a couple of weeks during which time I laughed out loud in Tesco, on the train and at work, and was looked at as if I were a sex offender.

I liked it so much that I left a 5 star review on the iTunes. This is what I wrote:

I was listening to this podcast in the bath and it was funny and made my willy go all big, but my mother saw and said “argh! Dirty boy!” and swung at it with the long handled scrubbing brush, but she missed and hit my left nut and it bloody hurt, then she refused to finish bathing me and I had to do it myself and I didn’t wash properly in the downstairs department and got an horrific fungal infection around my C & Bs.

When I went to the Doctor I recounted this tale and he said “rubbish, no podcast could be that funny” so I played it to him and he laughed and both of our willies went all big, but the surgery was having an inspection that day and the man from the Ministry of Health saw us standing there giggling with our giant bonk-ons and wrote an unfavourable report and Doctor Piddleton got struck off and committed suicide by smothering himself under a bouncy castle at the Church fete.

It was on the local news, they didn’t mention Regular Features by name though. Shame really, it would have been good publicity.

The “Steve” character is my favourite. Then the Welsh.

Ketchup perverts

I like the Twitter. It’s brilliant. It took me a long time to “get” it, but I’m glad I finally did.

Last night I had a breakdown and shouted at people about how ketchup belongs in the cupboard and anyone putting it in the fridge is a pervert. Lots of people humoured me and joined in, and it kept me amused all evening.

I have collated all the Tweets, mainly because I think Storify is brilliant and wanted to use it again. I have learned my lesson and will not attempt to embed it – instead, here’s a link.

Link!

If you don’t already follow me on the Twitter, please do so here. We’ll be best friends.

Tunadrugs – the Heist

Today my hetero life partner Bobaloba and I done lots of Tweets about how I stole a Securicor van. It is the fifth funniest thing on the entire interwebs and I put all of the Tweets together in a Storify thing. (Storify, incidentally, is well good and I intend to use it again.)

In the inevitable film adaptation we foresee Vin Diesel and The Rock playing me and Bobaloba respectively. The Polish gangsters will be played by Shawn and Marlon Wayans and DJ Qualls and the Polish gang leader by Liam Neeson. Any studio executives reading this can contact me on the Twitter.

If it works, I have embedded the Storify thing here:

No, that doesn’t seem to have worked at all. Just use this link. Stupid interwebs.

Words of an Idiot

I work with an idiot. He is quite bigoted but due to his complete lack of self-awareness, some of the things he comes out with can be quite funny.

Follow @wordsofanidiot on the Twitter. Highlights:

Do you ever have one leg of your shorts shrink after a few washes? The left leg on 3 pairs of mine has.

Indian women can look quite nice when they want to

I can deal with a bit of pubic hair but some people have fucking retarded amounts. It’s not on.

Here’s your tea. I personally think tea tastes like damp flannels.

 

Survivor Gentleman 2

My good chums Chris & Hadyn often go into the woods together. They won’t tell anyone what they do, and nobody else is allowed to join them.

But to my astonishment and excitement, a video of them together was leaked and put on the YouTube. Here it is:

What are those crazy guys like?!?!