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Game Saves

GamingLives is an internet website where they publish things that actual, real people have written about video games. Even idiots like me!

Game Saves by Graham

Imagine if Real Life™ had a ‘Save’ button; that would be brilliant. You could hit ‘Save’, punch your boss in the jaw and reload. All the satisfaction, none of the gross misconduct hearings. Or you could load the save from just before you had your first ever Jaffa Cake and relive that wonderful experience.

Go and read my words and have a look around the rest of the site. It’s excellent and there are some cool people on there. FACT.

Democracy is dead

Today I received an e-mail confirming that democracy is dead.

Your e-petition “National punch Piers Morgan in the goolies day” hasn’t been accepted.

E-petitions will not be accepted if they:

  • contain offensive, joke or nonsense content
  • use language which may cause offence, is provocative or extreme in its views
  • use wording that is impossible to understand
  • include statements that amount to advertisements

If you’d like to submit a new e-petition, please read the site’s terms and conditions which explain the rules in detail.

Thanks,

HM Government e-petitions http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/

Those bastards in Whitehall don’t care a jot for what the electorate wants.

The ASA are still rubbish

A little while ago I made a complaint to the ASA about the terrible Reed advert. You can read that complaint here.

The ASA have now replied. It is not good news

Dear Mr Kett

YOUR COMPLAINT – REED ONLINE LTD

Thank you for contacting us.

I take your point about the range of roles offered in the ad, and the BCAP Code we administer specifies that ads should not mislead, but we don’t think our intervention in [sic] warranted this time.

In our opinion, viewers are likely to interpret the ad as meaning only that a wide variety of jobs can be found on the Reed website.  The lollipop man character, together with ‘James Reed’ and all of the other roles referred to, eg., drummer, endocrinologist, wife, serve to deliver that message in a light-hearted way.  With this in mind, we don’t believe viewers are likely to be misled as you suggest.

Although we won’t pursue the matter further at this time, we would like to thank you for taking the time to raise your concerns with us. If you would like more information about our work, please visit our website, www.asa.org.uk.

Yours sincerely,

Justine Grimley
Complaints Executive 

 Another win for Big Business and a kick in the nuts to the Little Guy.

My Amazing Socks

A couple of years ago I bought the best socks I have ever seen. They came from M&S and have different coloured stripes on the soles but, crucially, the rest of the sock is plain black. Here’s a picture of them in action:

How good is that!? I could be in a high-powered business meeting with Lord Sir Alan Sugar, dressed up to the nines in a suit & tie with these bad boys on and nobody would have any idea! Business outside the shoe, party inside!

I have four more pairs with the following colour combinations:

  • Yellow & Blue (my favourites)
  • Pink & Red
  • Green & Orange
  • Purple & Pink

Sadly, after a couple of years’ wear, they lost their original softness and although they hadn’t gone into holes, my wife said it was time to buy new ones.

‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘I’ll go into M&S and buy exactly the same socks again.’ After all, why would I ever want to go back to boring socks.

To my horror, I could not find them. They had these:

But after seeing my own socks, these ones with their muted colours and narrow stripes were a slap in the bollocks. Even the claims of ‘Silver Technology’ fell on deaf ears. (What the fuck is that anyway? Sounds like marketing bullshit to me. How on Earth would a pair of socks benefit from Silver?)

‘Where are the vibrant colours and thick, confident strips!?’ I wailed.

Turns out they stopped selling them. Initially I was pleased, because my own socks would now become collectors’ items. But that was quickly quashed when I realised that I had stripped them of any value they would have had by wearing them and destroying the original softness. All those people who sealed them in an airtight container must be laughing at me.

In the end I settled for these:

The colours are good, but having only the heel & toes decorated ruins all the fun. M&S took the best product they’ve ever created and pissed all over it. No wonder they’re going down the pan.

Appendix

While researching this post, I came across these abominations:

What. The. Cotton. Fuck. Even the pose is offensive.

Anybody caught wearing these should be placed on the sex offenders register and put under 24 hour surveillance. Fucking perverts.

The ASA are rubbish

Last week I submitted a complaint to the ASA. They confirmed receipt but yesterday I saw the offending advert is still on television. This shower of bastards are failing in their remit.

This is the complaint I filed:

Where did you see/hear the advert?

On my television. It was on Comedy Central +1, about 18:45, during the break in Friends (in which the character “Joey” auditions for the part of body double (in the form of buttocks!) to Al Pacino, with hilarious consequences).

When did you see/hear the advert?

Oh sorry, I got carried away and put that information in the box above. I will try to read all of the questions before answering any in future so this faux pas shall not be repeated. Anyway, see above.

Who was the advertiser?

Reed

What was the product?

Their internet website on which you can search for job vacancies

Description of complaint

On this advert a fat man is shown looking downcast at his desk. An apparently mentally subnormal man identifying himself as “James Reed” then bursts through the wall and informs the downcast man (and I quote), “you hate Mondays because you hate your job. You should be a lollipop man.” (This is presumptuous, but the downcast man replies “I love lollipops.” Although he does not seem to have fully grasped the concept, I believe his agreement with the statement made by “James Reed” is implied.)

“James Reed” then extends his arms and his clothes fly off to reveal a cape and shirt bearing the words “reed.co.uk”. A band wearing “Kiss” style make-up appear and they all begin singing “love Mondays”, which appears to be Reed’s advertising slogan (the implication being that having a job you enjoy will cause you to “love Mondays”.)

“James Reed” then goes around the office informing people that they should be pursuing other vocations. By pointing at them he is able to transform their clothes into outfits that match the job he has chosen for them.

As the man is called “James Reed” and his shirt features the reed.co.uk logotype, I think it is reasonable to infer the message that the Reed website would be able to assist these people in finding vacancies to match the jobs “James Reed” has shouted into their faces.

The issue arising from this is that when one searches reed.co.uk for vacancies relating to the keyword “lollipop man”, no results are returned.

I have repeated this search several times over the last three weeks with the same result, and have come to the conclusion that reed.co.uk does not feature vacancies for lollipop men (or women). I have even tried searching for the American term “crossing guard” with no luck.

This advertisement is therefore misleading. If my secret dream had been to leave my dull office job to become a lollipop man, I would feel empowered by this film and would certainly go onto reed.co.uk to find a vacancy. If I did not find one I would be very upset and angry that this deviant “James Reed” had damaged the wall behind my desk (causing an uncomfortable draught and costing my company money and inconvenience in repairs,) and zapped away my best shirt and tie to be replaced by a lollipop man uniform that I couldn’t even bloody use.

I trust that the ASA will come down hard on this company and their spokesman “James Reed,” to serve as an example to other job sites.

Yours faithfully,
Graham Kett

 

If they ever bother to respond, I will post it here. In the meantime, please feel free to submit your own complaint about this dreadful advert here.

Ketchup perverts

I like the Twitter. It’s brilliant. It took me a long time to “get” it, but I’m glad I finally did.

Last night I had a breakdown and shouted at people about how ketchup belongs in the cupboard and anyone putting it in the fridge is a pervert. Lots of people humoured me and joined in, and it kept me amused all evening.

I have collated all the Tweets, mainly because I think Storify is brilliant and wanted to use it again. I have learned my lesson and will not attempt to embed it – instead, here’s a link.

Link!

If you don’t already follow me on the Twitter, please do so here. We’ll be best friends.

Going Out On The Razz, Innit

I don’t go out drinking very much any more. It’s expensive and I get mardy and have a shit time.

But I’m going out tonight! Yeeeeeeaaaahhhhh!

I have a “Going Out On The Razz, Innit” playlist on the Spotify. It’s full awesome. This is the tracklist:

1 R. Kelly Ignition Remix
2 Sham 69 Hurry Up Harry
3 Queen Don’t Stop Me Now
4 Propellerheads Bang On!
5 Terrorvision Tequila
6 Arctic Monkeys I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor
7 P!nk Get The Party Started
8 Darude Sandstorm
9 Hard-Fi Cash Machine
10 Bloc Party The Prayer
11 Little Man Tate House Party At Boothy’s
12 Blur Girls And Boys
13 Pendulum Propane Nightmare
14 The Cure Friday I’m In Love
15 The Fratellis Chelsea Dagger
16 Reef Place Your Hands
Going Out On The Razz, Innit - Listen in Spotify

Listen in Spotify

You’re welcome.

Tunadrugs – the Heist

Today my hetero life partner Bobaloba and I done lots of Tweets about how I stole a Securicor van. It is the fifth funniest thing on the entire interwebs and I put all of the Tweets together in a Storify thing. (Storify, incidentally, is well good and I intend to use it again.)

In the inevitable film adaptation we foresee Vin Diesel and The Rock playing me and Bobaloba respectively. The Polish gangsters will be played by Shawn and Marlon Wayans and DJ Qualls and the Polish gang leader by Liam Neeson. Any studio executives reading this can contact me on the Twitter.

If it works, I have embedded the Storify thing here:

No, that doesn’t seem to have worked at all. Just use this link. Stupid interwebs.