One-armed Freddy's internet website

Full of magic, fun and swearing

Trolling Yahoo News

I have decided that posting trolling comments on Yahoo News is a good use of my time and considerable resources. I will screenshot them and post them on my Tumblr from time to time, which will make it feel loved and purposeful for the first time since I set it up.

I will use my semi-literate alter ego Jumpboy789.

Here are my first forays into this noble art form:

Kate Middleton Pregnant? OMG WTF LOL!

14-02-21 - Kate Middleton Pregnant

Disabled tenants lose tax challenge or summat

14-02-21 - Disabled tenants lose bedroom tax legal challenge

On the Subject of my Keyboard

On weekdays I go to an office a few miles west of Lincoln where I do “work” in exchange for “pay”. My job involves using a computer, so I use a keyboard. I do not think this is unreasonable.

Recently my keyboard had started to become displeasing to use. The return key worked around 85% of the time which, it turns out, is the precise point at which it becomes extremely frustrating to use, but is still not faulty enough to warrant complaining about it to other people in the office. In addition to this, the space bar (which sounds far more exotic than it really is) had become disappointingly wonky.

Here is a photograph of my keyboard:

It was made by a company called “Kensington”. I know this because their name is printed at the top-right of the keyboard:

According to their website “Kensington computer accessories bring practicality, creativity and inspiration together in a comprehensive line of products that delight users and create lifelong customers.”

Frankly, this just adds insult to injury. Anyone “delighted” with a wonky space bar needs their head examining.

I decided to swap my keyboard with another. I looked around the office and settled on this little beauty:

This keyboard was made by Dell. It is 44cm wide, a whole 2cm shorter than its Kensington predecessor. That’s almost 5%! Just think what I could do with that extra space!

Unfortunately, it is also 16cm deep, to the Kensington’s 15cm, which only results in a 2% reduction in surface area.

But there must be a good reason for this increase in depth, right? Well, no. My investigations show that the only thing they seem to have done with the extra space is have their logo at the bottom – not the top! The bottom! Look!

I mean, yeah, it’s nice to have it recessed into the plastic like that, but why there? They could have put it at the top. Look, there’s a perfect space for it by the Num- / Caps- / Scroll-lock indicator LEDs:

Here’s a Photoshop of how that might look:

Pretty sweet, huh?

This isn’t the only part of the design they’ve had to change though. If we refer back to the decrease in width (44cm down from the Kensington’s 46cm), we now have to start asking questions about how they have achieved this reduction. You can’t just magically zap 2cm into thin air. I know; I’ve tried.

As far as I can tell with my layman’s eyes, Dell’s designers have made two adjustments to traditional keyboard design. The first is to rotate the cluster of navigation keys (you know; “Home”, “Pg Up” (technical speak for “Page Up”; literally “move up the page”), “Insert” and that). This is how they look on my colleague’s keyboard made by Microsoft (who know a thing or two about keyboards):

This is how they look on the Dell:

Weird, eh? Initially I was sceptical – how would my fingers cope with this change? – but having used the keyboard for a while, I have concluded that this arrangement is perfectly serviceable. I occasionally have to look down to check if I’m pressing Home or End, but to be honest I used to have to do that anyway. I don’t have a degree in typing.

The next concession Dell have made in their quest for narrower peripherals is to make the left – but not the right – Alt & Windows keys narrower than they would normally be. On the Microsoft keyboard they are around 20% wider than a standard letter key:

On the Dell, they are the same width as those above them:

I know, what the fuck, right?!

The effect of this is that if I try to casually Alt+Tab between two windows using my left hand, I frequently press the space bar with my thumb instead of the Alt key. I cannot begin to tell you how infuriating this is. Not only do I not switch to the other window, but now I put a big bloody gap in the text I’m writing in the current window. Like this:          . It’s a nightmare!

The worst compromise they’ve made though, is that as a result of the reduced width, they’ve had to move the arrow keys.

On my colleague’s Microsoft keyboard the arrow keys sit in line with the groups of keys to the left, right and above:

On the Dell, they have shifted them out of line. On the left of the arrow keys, this looks good:

But on the right it leaves a gaping chasm:

Let’s take a closer look:

This is nothing short of an aesthetic disaster. What were they thinking?! They may as well have printed a picture of a turd on the keyboard and been done with it. Unbelievable.

The gap is large enough to fit another key onto the arrow key cluster. That key could literally be anything. It could be an extra Esc key, or a backup ] key in case the usual one broke. But no, they thought they’d leave the gap. It’s a slap in the face to the user, is what it is.

Despite this catastrophe, there are things to like about the keyboard. The keys are all shorter than on a traditional keyboard and the function keys are flat with the PrtScn / SysRq, Scroll Lock & Pause / Break keys shifted to the top right which looks fucking amazing:

After a lot of thought I’ve decided I’m going to keep using this keyboard, not least of all because swapping it again would involve going upstairs.

After using the Kensington with its dodgy return key and wonky space bar, the Dell is functionally acceptable. But that gap by the arrow keys drives a dagger into my eye every time I glance at it. The Dell design department should hang their heads in shame.

Facebook Granny

Facebook Granny

My wife’s 82 year old Granny bought an iPad to go on the Facebook.

Here are some of her posts.

Try again

September 12th

Help

September 14th

Thanks Brian

September 15th

Thought for today If there were no criminals think how many people would be out of work

September 16th

Police Lawyers Jail Staff
r. Flipping. Ross Kemp

September 17th

Bat man& Robin
Guard dogs

September 18th

Had my first proper hair cut for eight years
Expected to look chic
I don’t

September 22nd

You can’t make a silk purse out of a pigs ear

September 24th

Yes. It’s keeping me happy
Can add comments and google
Haven’t Sussed how you and
Duncan got on this page

September 25th

Things that are not sports

I like darts. It requires skill and co-ordination and it’s fun. I like to play it in the pub. Like anything that requires skill and co-ordination, I’m not very good at it, so I admire anyone who is. Thanks to the wonders of Modern Technology I am able to watch men playing darts on the television.

This is great, but it bothers me that it is always televised under the banner of “sport”. It is not a sport. You would have to be mental to consider it so. It consists of standing in one spot, throwing sharp sticks at a circle of cork. It can be played in a pub. The men who play it professionally until very recently did so whilst completely battered. It is not a sport. It is a game.

I’m not trying to devalue darts or in any way suggest that professional darters are not worthy of praise or acclaim. I just dislike the way the word “sport” is thrown around. There are many things that are not sports. Throwing stones at ducks is not a sport. Shredding paper is not a sport. Fishing is not a sport.

I believe the majority of activities currently accepted as sports can be moved into one of three categories:

1. Games – anything requiring skill and having a competitive element in which the participants do not run or otherwise cause themselves (or others) to sweat
2. Hobbies – anything that passes time and is generally undertaken alone (no, not that)
3. Racing – anything that involves getting from one point to another quicker than other people whilst in or on a vehicle or animal (humans racing each other whilst running or swimming is obviously sport)

These definitions are not absolute and allow some room for movement, but on the whole they should cover everything. Below is a list of things that are not sports, divided into the above categories. This list is not exhaustive and nor could it be – it would have to include every activity a human could possibly undertake and would take hundreds of years to compile.

I will add to this list from time to time. If you have any suggestions or require classification on an activity then please Tweet me. I had to turn off comments on the blog because of all the spam. (Creating spambots is definitely not a sport.)

 Games
  • Darts
  • Snooker
  • Pool
  • Bowling
  • Bowls
  • Golf
  • Archery
  • Table tennis (ping pong)
  • Table football (foosball)
  • Air hockey
  • Billiards
  • Curling
Hobbies
  • Fishing
  • Dressage
  • Rhythmic Gymnastics
  • Shooting
  • Weightlifting / body building
  • Diving
  • Synchronised Swimming
  • Figure skating
  • Hunting (including fox hunting)
  • Skateboarding
  • Surfing
Racing
  • Formula 1 (and all other forms of car racing)
  • Moto GP (and all other forms of motorbike racing)
  • Horse racing
  • Greyhound racing

Olimpics is for benders

Before the long awaited end of the Mayan civilisation, 2012 is first going to jizz the spectacle of the Modern Olympic Games into our faces. And this time it’s in BLOODY LONDON!

This is exciting because London is where we all live. Well, I don’t. And you possibly don’t either. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be excited at the prospect of this international sports day.

With the Olympics comes a lot of ridiculous abuses of power and attempts to control behaviour. Not for nefarious purposes (unless you bloody love chips), but mostly to ensure multi-million dollar enterprises such as McDonald’s or Coca-Cola aren’t exposed for the twatbastards they undoubtedly are.

I was recently directed to this post on the free speech blog which highlights the Olympics organisers’ attempts to control how people link to their website. That’s right, how people link to the Olympics website from their own sites.

In particular:

You may create your own link to the Site, provided that your link is in a text-only format. You may not use any link to the Site as a method of creating an unauthorised association between an organisation, business, goods or services and London 2012, and agree that no such link shall portray us or any other official London 2012 organisations (or our or their activities, products or services) in a false, misleading, derogatory or otherwise objectionable manner. The use of our logo or any other Olympic or London 2012 Mark(s) as a link to the Site is not permitted.

Well I say EFF THAT and EFF YOU, LONDON 2012. I ain’t gonna play by your rules!

olimpics is for benders

How do you like them apples?

Democracy is dead

Today I received an e-mail confirming that democracy is dead.

Your e-petition “National punch Piers Morgan in the goolies day” hasn’t been accepted.

E-petitions will not be accepted if they:

  • contain offensive, joke or nonsense content
  • use language which may cause offence, is provocative or extreme in its views
  • use wording that is impossible to understand
  • include statements that amount to advertisements

If you’d like to submit a new e-petition, please read the site’s terms and conditions which explain the rules in detail.

Thanks,

HM Government e-petitions http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/

Those bastards in Whitehall don’t care a jot for what the electorate wants.

The ASA are still rubbish

A little while ago I made a complaint to the ASA about the terrible Reed advert. You can read that complaint here.

The ASA have now replied. It is not good news

Dear Mr Kett

YOUR COMPLAINT – REED ONLINE LTD

Thank you for contacting us.

I take your point about the range of roles offered in the ad, and the BCAP Code we administer specifies that ads should not mislead, but we don’t think our intervention in [sic] warranted this time.

In our opinion, viewers are likely to interpret the ad as meaning only that a wide variety of jobs can be found on the Reed website.  The lollipop man character, together with ‘James Reed’ and all of the other roles referred to, eg., drummer, endocrinologist, wife, serve to deliver that message in a light-hearted way.  With this in mind, we don’t believe viewers are likely to be misled as you suggest.

Although we won’t pursue the matter further at this time, we would like to thank you for taking the time to raise your concerns with us. If you would like more information about our work, please visit our website, www.asa.org.uk.

Yours sincerely,

Justine Grimley
Complaints Executive 

 Another win for Big Business and a kick in the nuts to the Little Guy.

My Amazing Socks

A couple of years ago I bought the best socks I have ever seen. They came from M&S and have different coloured stripes on the soles but, crucially, the rest of the sock is plain black. Here’s a picture of them in action:

How good is that!? I could be in a high-powered business meeting with Lord Sir Alan Sugar, dressed up to the nines in a suit & tie with these bad boys on and nobody would have any idea! Business outside the shoe, party inside!

I have four more pairs with the following colour combinations:

  • Yellow & Blue (my favourites)
  • Pink & Red
  • Green & Orange
  • Purple & Pink

Sadly, after a couple of years’ wear, they lost their original softness and although they hadn’t gone into holes, my wife said it was time to buy new ones.

‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘I’ll go into M&S and buy exactly the same socks again.’ After all, why would I ever want to go back to boring socks.

To my horror, I could not find them. They had these:

But after seeing my own socks, these ones with their muted colours and narrow stripes were a slap in the bollocks. Even the claims of ‘Silver Technology’ fell on deaf ears. (What the fuck is that anyway? Sounds like marketing bullshit to me. How on Earth would a pair of socks benefit from Silver?)

‘Where are the vibrant colours and thick, confident strips!?’ I wailed.

Turns out they stopped selling them. Initially I was pleased, because my own socks would now become collectors’ items. But that was quickly quashed when I realised that I had stripped them of any value they would have had by wearing them and destroying the original softness. All those people who sealed them in an airtight container must be laughing at me.

In the end I settled for these:

The colours are good, but having only the heel & toes decorated ruins all the fun. M&S took the best product they’ve ever created and pissed all over it. No wonder they’re going down the pan.

Appendix

While researching this post, I came across these abominations:

What. The. Cotton. Fuck. Even the pose is offensive.

Anybody caught wearing these should be placed on the sex offenders register and put under 24 hour surveillance. Fucking perverts.

The ASA are rubbish

Last week I submitted a complaint to the ASA. They confirmed receipt but yesterday I saw the offending advert is still on television. This shower of bastards are failing in their remit.

This is the complaint I filed:

Where did you see/hear the advert?

On my television. It was on Comedy Central +1, about 18:45, during the break in Friends (in which the character “Joey” auditions for the part of body double (in the form of buttocks!) to Al Pacino, with hilarious consequences).

When did you see/hear the advert?

Oh sorry, I got carried away and put that information in the box above. I will try to read all of the questions before answering any in future so this faux pas shall not be repeated. Anyway, see above.

Who was the advertiser?

Reed

What was the product?

Their internet website on which you can search for job vacancies

Description of complaint

On this advert a fat man is shown looking downcast at his desk. An apparently mentally subnormal man identifying himself as “James Reed” then bursts through the wall and informs the downcast man (and I quote), “you hate Mondays because you hate your job. You should be a lollipop man.” (This is presumptuous, but the downcast man replies “I love lollipops.” Although he does not seem to have fully grasped the concept, I believe his agreement with the statement made by “James Reed” is implied.)

“James Reed” then extends his arms and his clothes fly off to reveal a cape and shirt bearing the words “reed.co.uk”. A band wearing “Kiss” style make-up appear and they all begin singing “love Mondays”, which appears to be Reed’s advertising slogan (the implication being that having a job you enjoy will cause you to “love Mondays”.)

“James Reed” then goes around the office informing people that they should be pursuing other vocations. By pointing at them he is able to transform their clothes into outfits that match the job he has chosen for them.

As the man is called “James Reed” and his shirt features the reed.co.uk logotype, I think it is reasonable to infer the message that the Reed website would be able to assist these people in finding vacancies to match the jobs “James Reed” has shouted into their faces.

The issue arising from this is that when one searches reed.co.uk for vacancies relating to the keyword “lollipop man”, no results are returned.

I have repeated this search several times over the last three weeks with the same result, and have come to the conclusion that reed.co.uk does not feature vacancies for lollipop men (or women). I have even tried searching for the American term “crossing guard” with no luck.

This advertisement is therefore misleading. If my secret dream had been to leave my dull office job to become a lollipop man, I would feel empowered by this film and would certainly go onto reed.co.uk to find a vacancy. If I did not find one I would be very upset and angry that this deviant “James Reed” had damaged the wall behind my desk (causing an uncomfortable draught and costing my company money and inconvenience in repairs,) and zapped away my best shirt and tie to be replaced by a lollipop man uniform that I couldn’t even bloody use.

I trust that the ASA will come down hard on this company and their spokesman “James Reed,” to serve as an example to other job sites.

Yours faithfully,
Graham Kett

 

If they ever bother to respond, I will post it here. In the meantime, please feel free to submit your own complaint about this dreadful advert here.