One-armed Freddy's internet website

Full of magic, fun and swearing

Trolling Yahoo News

I have decided that posting trolling comments on Yahoo News is a good use of my time and considerable resources. I will screenshot them and post them on my Tumblr from time to time, which will make it feel loved and purposeful for the first time since I set it up.

I will use my semi-literate alter ego Jumpboy789.

Here are my first forays into this noble art form:

Kate Middleton Pregnant? OMG WTF LOL!

14-02-21 - Kate Middleton Pregnant

Disabled tenants lose tax challenge or summat

14-02-21 - Disabled tenants lose bedroom tax legal challenge

Brilliant Internet people

Hello, me again.

I have recently become aware of some people on the Internet who I think are excellent. The first is a man called James Ward. I don’t know who he is. He may be a comedian or a writer or he may work in Waterstones. It doesn’t matter. He is my new favourite.

He is on the Twitter which is where I first encountered him having a conversation with radio presenter Geoff Lloyd. It was an excellent conversation about how Geoff had died. I liked the cut of this man’s gib, so I followed him and in doing so, navigated to his blog.

http://iamjamesward.wordpress.com/

It is wonderful. It is all about boring things and, quite often, posters he has seen. I thoroughly recommend reading all of it – I’m now back to November 2010. The thought process and over-analytical approach to the mundane is very similar to how my mind works, except that Mr James Ward writes down his thought process for idiots like me to read.

I told him that I liked it on the Twitter. I’m not just saying this, have evidence:

As I am incapable of original thought, I daresay I shall be drawing inspiration from his blog whilst hopefully stopping slightly short of copying his style outright.

Anyway, I don’t really have any more to say about James Ward, just go and follow him on the Twitter and read his blog.

The next thing I found which is wonderful was actually via James Ward. I know, I’m like a fucking stalker or something.

http://sneezecount.joyfeed.com/

This is a blog by a man called Peter Fletcher, in which he logs all of his sneezes. Highlights include:

two thousand, eight hundred and thirty-eight

15th January 2012 1:14 pm

Car, outside house

Moderate

“They’ve had four bizarre wins…”

and

two thousand, four hundred and twenty-eight

26th March 2011 11:42 am

Dining room

Strong

Trying to draw a graph (ellipse) in Mathcad

and

three hundred and thirty

8th January 2008 8:25 pm

Office / spare bedroom

Moderate to strong

Checking bank balances

This is a level of obsession which one can only admire. One day I hope to start a project of this calibre. I have given genuine consideration to starting a Flickr photoblog of my poos. The Cons currently outweigh the Pros: 

Pros Cons
It would amuse and occupy me I would need a Flickr Pro account to upload more than 200 photos
It is fucking disgusting

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say about Sneezecount as well. Bye.

30 Before 30

Today I am having a birthday. Hooray!

I am literally 29 years old. Oh no!

To ensure the transition into my thirties causes as little anguish as possible, I have come up with a list of 30 things to do before I hit the Big Three Oh.

I spent the last year compiling this list and will spend the next year ticking things off it. Here it is for your viewing pleasure:

  1. Throw a molotov cocktail
  2. Obtain and wear a dooo-rag (this is the correct spelling, I checked)
  3. Black up
  4. Travel 5 miles on a Kalamazoo (up and down train car thing)
  5. Drive a Zamboni
  6. Go on a weighbridge. In Weybridge.
  7. Time travel and use this ability for Good (ref: China time travel ban)
  8. Win a fight and/or Royal Rumble
  9. Avert a disaster by reversing the polarity of something
  10. Illustrate a point by pointing to a black man and saying “this guy knows what I’m talking about”
  11. Kick a door in
  12. Do 180mph on the Autobahn
  13. Become amphibious
  14. Impress on my F1 debut
  15. Buy and fill a sticker album (not football)
  16. Learn the firetuba (ref: Covent Garden)
  17. Light a Cuban cigar with a $100 bill
  18. Smash up a pub
  19. Obtain a gold bar
  20. Do the perfect sneeze
  21. Tie someone’s shoelaces together without them knowing
  22. Join the Blue Man Group
  23. Call a lion a prick
  24. Make a citizen’s arrest
  25. Achieve enlightenment OR eat five scotch eggs in one sitting
  26. Be an extra in ‘Allo ‘Allo
  27. Get the Bumatron 8000 to market
  28. Get knifefighting into the Olympics
  29. Win Knightmare
  30. Do a motorbike stoppie

I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to achieve all of these. I will post my success stories on this blog.

Movember

This year I done Movember. My moustache was itchy and ginger, two terrible things. But I raised £200, contributing to a :teamAMAzING: total of £593 which I think you’ll find is pretty bloody brilliant.

Final group photo for :team AMAzING:

Final group photo for :team AMAzING:

You can view a lovely album of my journey here. If you didn’t get a chance to donate, you can still do so here.